


Destruction in the stars

by nywtkit



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Hurt, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nywtkit/pseuds/nywtkit
Summary: Everything starts out happily. They meet, they click, they fall in love. Years are spent together. Just... Sometimes things don't go the way we planned.





	Destruction in the stars

**Author's Note:**

> Wooo, this is my longest work yet. And the one I re-wrote the most, I think. Anyway, this is the product and hope you'll enjoy it ^-^
> 
> Oh, and by the way, English isn't my mother-tongue so please bear with me

I still remember how I met her. It was my sophomore year in high school, my friends and I had been invited to some frat guy's party. Octavia had dragged me along "to get me out of my self pity and wallowing". It had taken her two hours of asking, threatening and begging me as well as the promise of a night in with pizza and a game of thrones marathon. We were meeting up with her boyfriend and his group of friends. Which also meant meeting _her_. Which I wasn't aware of, because I hadn't even known about her existence. Which was, let's say interesting.

We entered the front yard, the bass pumping out of the house. Octavia spotted Lincoln near the the beer kegs and alcohol bottles. She waved for us to come with her, so I let Raven grab my hand and Murphy and Bellamy stumble into me as we tried to get over to them.

Lincoln greeted Octavia by lifting her up and kissing her. Exams had been horrible, they hadn't seen each other in like 147 hours (Octavia hadn't stopped talking about that on our way here). Raven nudged him in the ribs: "You guys done sucking faces?! I'd like to know what we're getting into here!" Putting his girlfriend back on the ground, he turned around and smiled. "Uhm, yeah. Sure. Uh, so, guys?" He turned back to his friends. Pointing at us, he introduced us first. "These are Raven, Clarke, Bellamy, Murphy, Monty, Jasper and Maja. They're all in Octavia's grade." We got some nods and a few shy hellos. "And this", he pointed at his friends, "are Nyko", a tall and surprisingly heavy bearded guy smiled at us, "Niylah", a blonde girl with a sharp chin and lots of braids gave us a pointed nod, "Echo", the girl had surprisingly dark eyebrows that contrasted her blonde hair with a few braids in it, "Anya", he turned around, tapping on somebody's shoulder. She had dirty blonde hair, rugged features and incredibly sharp cheekbones. She looked us over and turned back to her two friends. He pointed towards the first one, introducing her as Luna. Her long, wild curls and serious expression gave her an aura of unrestrainedness. Luna gave us the same treatment Anya did. "and this is Lexa", he closed. Upon hearing her name, the third girl turned around. Her forest green eyes immediately found mine.  
As though I was lying on a balcony with only the stars above and candles as the only source of light and the silhouettes of the trees prominent against the night sky, calmness rushed over me. It was as if I had been struck by a lightning bolt but at the same time I felt _serenity._

\-----

I don't think I'll ever forget the day I first saw her. It was in high school, my sophomore year at Polis HS. A friend from middle school, Lincoln, who had opted for Arkadia HS after 8th grade instead of PHS had asked us along. We were still in close contact with him. Living just across the street from one another does that to people.

We were at some idiot's house, trying to get drunk on cheap whiskey and even cheaper vodka. Apparently, the main reason for us to be here was to meet Lincoln's girlfriend's friends but since we had already been waiting for almost an hour, I doubted that they would show up. Anya, Luna and I were currently discussing getting a motorcycle drivers license. Anya, being the oldest, had already started classes while Luna and I were still unsure about it. Just as Anya was about to launch a fifteen minute monologue about why we should all get one, Lincoln tapped her on the shoulder; I heard him introduce her but didn't pay any serious attention to it. Luna and I just carried on with the conversation until it would be both of our turns to be shown to the newcomers, who wouldn't remember our faces and forget our names as soon as they'd heard them. So when Lincoln said my name, I just sighed, turned around - and stared into the bluest eyes I had ever seen.

It was as though a thunderstorm crashed around me; a tsunami wiping out my surroundings. The sound encircling me swell even more; the amount of living, moving, _being_ around me magnified. As for me, however? I was in my own small bubble of tranquility.

\-----  
"Yeah, so now that everybody knows everybody... I'll, uh,..." Lincoln, whose voice had gotten me out of my shock, was being tugged away by Octavia. I contemplated walking up to her. Lexa, he had said. I wondered whether that was a nickname or her actual name. "Ey yo, Clarke!" My head whipped around. "Let's get drinks! Want some vodka?" Without waiting for me to answer, Raven pushed a cup into my hand. I decided not to question where a 17 year old high school idiot had gotten alcohol from and sipped my drink.

As I was halfway through the first cup, I felt somebody stumble into me. My cup almost flew out of my hand, showering Raven, Jasper and me in longdrink. Ready to bash them down, I turned around - and stopped in my tracks. "Uh... hi?" Lexa looked at my sheepishly. Anya snickered, earning her a death glare from Lexa. "Hi", I tried. She straightened up and ran her hands through her hair. "Uhm, hi. Yeah, uh, I'm Lexa.", she introduced herself awkwardly. I smiled. "Hey Lexa. I'm Clarke. Nice to meet you." She seemed relieved that I wasn't planning on murdering her. "Nice to meet you, too." She offered me her hand. "So, do you always try to make somebody spill their drink all over themselves when you meet them? Or am I the lucky exception?" I chuckled. And immediately went silent again as I realised how bad that sounded. "Uhm, uh, no, sorry, that's not what I meant. That came out worse than intended. Actually I me-" "It's fine. I'm sorry, my friend there pushed me." She cut me off and glared at Anya again. "I'm sorry for spilling your drink all over you. Let me get you a new one?"

\-----

"Yeah, so now that everybody knows everybody... I'll, uh,..." Octavia pulled her boyfriend into the house before he could even finish his sentence. "Lexa?" Anya waved a hand in front of my face. "Huh? Uh, yeah, what's up?" Luna poked my upper arm. "You okay?" "Yep, totally" I mumbled. "Where were we?" They still seemed a bit concerned but continued on with the conversation.

At some point, Niylah seemed to be completely fed up with the people around her, thus joining us, asking whether we did or didn't like the newcomers. Luna was the first to react. "I don't know, they seem okay, I guess." She was never too enthusiastic about lots of new people. A few (up to three) were okay, but more than that she normally just ignored. Anya apparently approved of most of them, pointing out that Raven seemed okay. "And you, Lexa?" Niylah hit me full force with her alcohol-smelling breath. "Ugh, can you breathe in the other direction?" I was drinking, too, but nothing near as strong as what she seemed to have indulged. "Thanks. I don't know either, actually. I didn't even listen to their names. The blonde girl with the blue eyes, she looked at me when I turned around. She seems nice.", I ended lamely. _Nice_. I scoffed internally. _She literally just made my world stop._ Three pairs of eyebrows shot up. "Did you just say 'she seems nice'? Big bad commander 'I hate everyone' thinks somebody is nice?" Anya's voice was dripping with disbelief. "I told you not to call me commander! I'm not as bossy as you make me out to be! Yes, I said she seems nice. And I don't hate everyone. I'm spending time with you guys." Luna clicked in: "Lexa, Anya is your sister and you've known me since before kindergarten. There isn't even a time you can remember in which we weren't in your life. You can't even not-like us. And you might not hate everyone, but you hardly even tolerate people around you." With that, the conversation seemed to be over for her as she leaned over and whispered something into Anya's ear. I was just trying to come up with some kind of defence when the latter perked up: "So, are you gonna go talk to her?" Before I could even answer, she pushed me into the blonde's direction. "Anya, I don't- what are you even doi-". One last push and I stumbled into the other girl.

Internally preparing to get murdered in 0.7 seconds I plastered some kind of neutral expression onto my face and not give away how nervous I suddenly was. She turned around - and her facial expression changed from "I'm about to demolish your face and then stick it up your ass" to pleasently surprised. "Uh... hi?", forcing the words out of my suddenly very dry mouth which made Anya snicker. I gave her a pointed "you'll pay for this" - look. Turning around, I found the blonde smiling at me: "Hi." I quickly fixed my appearance and was just about to say sorry and go away when I looked into her eyes. To this day I don't know what I found there that made me say the following but I've also never been more thankful for the ways fate has sometimes. "Uhm, hi. Yeah, uhm, I'm Lexa." Even though she was smiling and hadn't seemed mad anymore I was still contemplating how fast I could run if she decided to make a scene or break my face. Instead, she smiled a full smile. "Hi Lexa. I'm Clarke. Nice to meet you." She seemed as if she didn't have any desire to put me in pain anymore. In a softer voice she continued. "Nice to meet you, too". I awkwardly offered her my hand, which she shook. "So, do you always try to make somebody spill their drink all over themselves when you meet them? Or am I the lucky exception?" I swooned at the chuckle that followed - and abruptly stopped. "Uhm, uh, no, sorry, that's not what I meant. That came out worse than intended. Actually I me-" "It's fine. I'm sorry, my friend there pushed me." I fell in before she could continue. After glaring at Anya again, I let a quick smile rush over my face. "I'm sorry for spilling your drink all over you. Let me get you a new one?"

\-----

We didn't go to get new Vodka. Instead, we took a bottle of wine and climbed onto the roof where we sat facing away from the garden so that the noise was mostly blocked out and only the bass was still felt. Even though I had only had half a cup I already felt more intoxicated than I ever had before, but in a good way. There was no stomach ache or unwellness or nausea. I was just giddy and happy and excited but all the while the underlying emotion was a peaceful and calm state of mind. It was refreshing. I, for one, didn't need the wine; I was already drunk off of Lexa.

\-----

I might forever remember this night as the best one I'd lived in my life. We were talking about everything from favourite colours and childhood dreams to aspirations and Plato's studies ("Clarke no, it's a figurative cave and in order to see the world as it is you have to die. Plato doesn't care whether or not you like that. In order to actually get to the point where you fully understand these things you have to get into the state of postexis- stop tickling me!"). She taught me some stellar constellations and how the zodiac cycle worked, told me about her passion for surrealistic art. The night sky above us had been beautiful, illuminating; though looking back there was destruction in the stars.

\-----  
\-----

Our first date had been to an art gallery. Lexa had suggested that when I told her about how I had been wanting to go there since it had opened. After picking me up, she treated me to literally everything I could have asked for. She listened to me rant about the tiniest details of technique, colour and style. She took me for coffee afterwards. Finally surprised me with a walk to the cheesiest bench from where you could watch the sunset, where she gave me the art supplies I had been talking about for the past weeks. It was teeth-rotteningly sweet but the most perfect thing I could have imagined.

\-----

The day Clarke asked me to be her girlfriend then felt like the happiest I had been in my life. We had been out late, waking through the park and she tried teaching me constellations again, but all I had been able to focus on was the way the moonlight made her eyes stand out from beneath the sloppily cut bangs she had tried to do a few days prior and the way her voice sounded when talking about something she was passionate about. The way her voice would proceed to sound for the next few years when talking about me, "because", she had said, "you're making my life brighter than all the stars combined could ever light up the sky. And I want this light with me everyday. So, Lexa Woods, would you do me the honour of being my girlfriend?". The two of us giggling because that sounded like she took it directly out of a romance novel (later, she admitted that she had indeed let herself be inspired by several very cheesy books with titles that made me want to throw up). I thought I had seen her happy when she talked about stars and art but me saying yes made her smile a smile that I vowed to try and make her smile every day as long as we both live.

\-----

"Lexa?" She poked her head through the door and smiled. "What's up? Please don't tell me you need another break from your essay. You had one like 20 minutes ago. You'll never get done with it this way." I remember putting on the pout I knew would make her break. "But I could help you make dinner instead." Standing up and sauntering over, I tried to convince her that I would probably be more productive in the kitchen and that I considered it unfair that it was always her who had to cook for me and I only ever managed to make her the tea she loves so much. "The essay can totally wait and I want to help you. I know you have homework, too and if I help you, dinner is going to be done like twice as fast and we can both continue to work on the ever-growing pile of stuff college professors deem appropriate." She huffed. "You do realise that two people staring at the pot won't make the water boil any faster, right? Ugh, whatever. Fine. Just don't complain to me about how you still have to finish the essay the evening before you have to hand it in." Triumphantly, I raked my arms around her neck and kissed her. "I promise I won't. Though, can we maybe watch a movie after dinner instead of working?" She scrunched up her face and rolled her eyes. "You are unbelievable, do you know that?" I smiled. "Relax, or you'll have wrinkles before you've reached the tender age of thirty." She scoffed, shutting me up with another kiss.

\-----

Yawning, Clarke cuddled into me more. "Honey, what's the time? I have to get up to get to the hospital for the job interview tomorrow at ten so I won't be late." I checked the clock. "Quarter to 12. Do you want to go to sleep?" She shook her head. "I prefer cuddling on the couch over sleeping. Also, didn't you want to watch the documentary? Don't wanna go to bed alone." Smiling, I started playing with her hair with my free hand. "The documentary stopped like 20 minutes ago. The guy is talking about horse racing, not squids." Startled, she asked: "Did I fall asleep? I could have sworn he was talking about a Humboldt squid attacking a shark." I smiled. That had been about an hour and a half ago. Suddenly, she turned her head to properly look at me. "We should go for a walk. If we go into the park, we might even see some stars! God, that would be great right now." "Clarke, it's like 12 degrees outside. We are below climatological frost. All that would happen is that whoever is there first tomorrow will find a Clarke-shaped icicle next to a Lexa-shaped icicle." "But it's so beautiful. And we could stargaze and hold hands and cuddle up because it's so cold and you could wear your oh so dearly beloved beanie and sure, we'll freeze our asses off but it'll be so worth it." I sighed. In that moment, I no longer wanted sleep or rest. I wanted wide-eyed adventures and staying awake, tangled up in her. And anyway: Has there ever been a time in which I was able to seriously tell her no?

\-----

"Clarke?" One word. Six letters. A single syllable. It was enough to alarm me. Her voice sounded so wrong. I had heard her say my name in so many different ways, longing, happy, endearing, sated, stunned, tired, angry. Loving. But never this broken. I don't think I'd be able to recreate the speed with which I was at the door, where she was shedding her jacket and shoes. "Lexa? What happened?" She looked at me, such despair and sorrow etched into her features. The moment I touched her cheek, she collapsed into my arms, crying. Violent sobs were shaking her body. In this moment, I was incredibly thankful that she was so wiry and light. Picking her up, I tried calming her down. I carried her to the couch and sat down next to her. Immediately, she sunk into me, fisting my shirt in her hand and burying her head into my collarbone. Stroking her back, I murmured little nothings. It took half an hour for her to calm down enough to tell me what had happened. On receiving the notion, I, too, was utmost shaken, though not to the same extent as her. Murmuring into my shirt again and again, interrupted by hiccups and sobs, she kept repeating the dreadful message. "My mum is dead. My mum is dead. My mum is dead."

\-----

I felt myself falling apart, piece by piece. The first few days were me shattering. The funeral was the first big chunk falling away. Every time someone said her name, a small piece broke off. Whenever something reminded me of her scent, another part crumbled off. It's fascinating how you realise how much someone meant to you once they're not there anymore.

\-----

At the beginning I thought Lexa just needed time. But as the grief gave way for bitterness and spite and biting sarcasm, I realised that time alone wouldn't help her. Lexa, the strong one with the hidden vulnerability, the stoic, headstrong, badass girl I had fallen in love with, who grew into the beautifully strong-willed woman with the most fascinating and compassionate mind that I had always been able to read like an open book became closed off, reciting, cynical.

I remember this one time, Lexa had been on the couch and I took a blanket and walked over to her, wanting to cuddle up and watch a movie or a documentary about squids or whatever. And though she let me slide next to her, she was stiff and unmoving and it felt like I was trying to mold my body into a board made of stone. I think that was the last time I tried to initiate contact out of sheer enjoyment of having her near me.

\-----

Clarke tried, she really did. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it just about every day. Some days, she tried giving me space, other days, she tried being there for me. After a week, she had to go back to work. After three months, she suggested I go get therapy. She said she had seen people being traumatised after the death of a relative before, taking care of that was part of her job as a doctor; but my behaviour was apparently unhealthy. After four months she said I had to go back to work. So I did. After seven months she gave up trying to convince me to get therapy. After nine she stopped begging me to talk to her. After a year, I exploded.

\-----

"YOU HAVE THIS OBSESSION WITH 'FIXING' PEOPLE" She was yelling at me, screaming, angry in a way I had never seen before. "BUT YOU CAN'T _FIX_ ME! I'M NOT BROKEN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" She walked away from me, turned around, threw the door next to her shut, probably trying to make way for her anger and frustration. I didn't know. I didn't understand. I couldn't and I didn't want to. Lexa, who would never hurt me, who was always gentle, always loving and caring. Lexa, this one person I could always fall back to. Lexa, breaking my heart right now. "THIS IS _ME_! EVERY HORRIBLE, AWFUL, _DISGUSTING_  PART. THAT IS ME AND I CAN'T! BE! _FIXED_!" She looked me dead in the eye and I don't know what it was that she saw but just as she was inhaling to go on, she seemed to reconsider, turned away and stormed off out of our apartment, taking my last shreds of happiness with her.

\-----

YOU HAVE THIS OBSESSION WITH 'FIXING' PEOPLE" I knew I was yelling, I knew I was being unfair, I knew she didn't deserve this. "BUT YOU CAN'T _FIX_  ME! I'M NOT BROKEN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" I walked away from her, turned around, threw the door next to me shut, trying to somehow relive all this pent up negativity inside me. "THIS IS _ME_! EVERY HORRIBLE, AWFUL, _DISGUSTING_ PART. THAT IS ME AND I CAN'T! BE! _FIXED!_ " I looked right into her eyes and just like that first time we met I felt like she could see straight into my soul again. I couldn't stand the intensity, the hurt, the sincerity, the love I saw all mixed. So I fled. As I left the apartment, I left the last part of me that was still intact.

\-----

The last time I saw Lexa was over three years ago. She had asked me to go to my favourite coffee place on the other end of town with her. I don't remember her words, I don't really remember anything from that day. The only thing that is still engraved into my mind, so clearly as if it happened mere seconds ago, is the finality with which she said "I'm breaking up with you." She kissed me one last time and I still can't describe how much it hurt to let her go, with the taste of her favourite tea lingering on my lips and the smell of her shampoo stuck in my nose. I haven't set foot into that café ever since. When I finally came home, everything that belonged to her was gone.

\-----

A little more than three years ago, in her favourite cafe, I broke _her_ heart as well as mine. I did the only thing I could to show her how much I still loved her, I finally learned how to protect her from the disaster I had become. Clarke has wings on her soul and a heart that deserves to fly. That day, I wanted to give her back that freedom. The freedom to be happy. The fact that I gave away my last chance to a happy ending was less than secondary.

\-----

For more than three years, I've been trying to carry on. For three years, all I did has been a wasted attempt at being alive. For three years, the only thing I felt was an intense sense of emptiness. Today, this very morning, I decided it's been enough.

\-----

I'm reading a potential new client's book to decide whether it fits into our publishing company's concept when I suddenly hear my doorbell ring. I put down the book and pull on a pair of pants as I hurry to the door. Normally, the only one who ever visits me is Anya and she's currently on a trip to Asia. I'm wondering who that could be.

As I open the door, I can physically feel how for the first time in years my heart starts beating because it wants to again.

\-----

The moment she opens the door and I see her again, my lips turn into a smile without my consent. She starts smiling, too. "Clarke.", she says. One word. Six letters. A single syllable. This time, it's the most joyous I heard her in almost five years. As I breathe out, her name escapes me and I'm surprised by how happy it sounds. Finally, I feel _serene_ again.


End file.
